The Power of Apology

Saying sorry is indeed one of the hardest, and at times, one of the most spiritual experiences that a person -- or, rather, persons -- can experience. And for years and years, the emphasis, or focus, of saying sorry has been on the person making the apology.

We need to change that :)

Yes, of course, someone who can go into their ego and wrestle out an apology is to be commended; the ego never wants to say sorry. And even when it allows for an apology, the ego has a variety of deceptive ways to, at the core, avoid the apology -- or, at least, remove its heart and really just send out a thin stream of words. For example, when someone says "I'm sorry if you were hurt by my actions" really isn't saying sorry at all. In fact, they're protecting their ego and saying, basically, that the problem is with the other for "being hurt by some actions." That's not an apology, it's a rationalization.

The ego loves to rationalize instead of apologize. And this is why many egotistical people become highly skilled apologizers. They can apologize on a daily basis -- often for doing the same things -- because, really, they're not apologizing at all. They're simply framing an argument around an apology, so it "seems nicer." Instead of saying that you're stupid, weak, or wrong, they say "I'm sorry that you're stupid, weak, or just plain wrong."

Not much of an apology, is it?

All of this happens -- all of this deceptive apologizing takes place -- because the emphasis is on the person making the apology -- not on the person receiving it. But that's where it really has to be.

Here's why: when you say sorry to someone, you give them the opportunity to let something go; something painful in their heart. You are inviting them to drop something harmful to their soul; something toxic. It's as if someone has a thorn stuck in their body somewhere, and they can't get it out -- they can't do it on their own. When you say sorry, you invite the other person to get rid of the thorn. You open the possibility for them to LET GO of something that they really need to let go of. You are giving them that possibility -- you are allowing them to lighten their soul; lighten their burden.

When you say sorry, you do someone else a magnificent spiritual favor. You give them the opportunity to DROP a grievance -- to let it fade away. To take out a thorn.

But..when you don't apologize -- when your apology is superficial or just a rationalization, you aren't serving the other -- you are serving yourself. You are just making yourself feel better, or less guilty. You have an itch; and an apology scratches it for you.

Saying sorry is serious business. When you do it, you must mean it with your heart. And you must ALSO be willing to accept that saying sorry is not easy -- it may be very difficult. The person on the receiving end of your apology may not be willing to accept your apology with the ease at which you offer it. That is their right.

Saying sorry is NOT supposed to be easy. If it's easy -- if the idea of saying sorry doesn't bring tears to your eyes because of the hurt you've done to someone else; the hurt that you would feel if someone had done it to you -- then your apology is not an apology. It's just sentences that contain words like "I'm sorry" or "really feel bad about that." You might as well sing it -- it really doesn't make a difference.

If you want to travel the path of self-help, you will have to become softer -- not more rigid and more aggressive. The path of self-help is the path of empathy; of sensitivity. The deeper you go, the more sensitive you become. That is one of the clues that you are on the self-help path. If you aren't softer, more forgiving, and more aware of how hurtful you may be to others -- and how your apologies must REALLY be apologies -- then you are really just wasting your time.

So the next time you say sorry to someone -- for any reason -- feel it in your heart. As you offer your apology -- and it IS an offering; not an IMPOSITION -- invite (again, in your heart) the other person to let go of their grievance; to lighten their heart.

That's what an apology is. Giving someone else the opportunity to lighten the burden in their heart.

If you don't really want to do that, and you aren't willing to pay the emotional price of doing it, then don't bother apologizing. It's not real. You're deceiving only yourself.

Why do that?