Beware what you HATE

We're often reminded that we become what we love. This is true. However, there's another side of this that we should all be very aware of: we also become what we HATE.

Indeed, mystics through the ages have sagely advised us to be very careful of what we hate; because we will be defined by what we hate, as much as by what we love.

I realize that this may sound a bit scary -- but it's not meant to be. It's actually very simple and easy to grasp. When we hate something, we may have perfectly legitimate reasons for that hatred -- we may be 100% "justified" in our hatred. But that hatred is still a form of attraction; a negative one, yes, but attraction still.

This is why many people invariably start to mirror those that they hate; they end up doing many of the same things that those that they hate have done to them. It's not out of choice; it's because that groove of attention has been developed for years and years.

It sounds impossible, at times, to simply let go of hate; there are those around us who seem absolutely worthy of as much hate as we can offer. And so the very idea that we shouldn't hate these people -- the monsters among us -- is advice that most of us cannot accept. It also may suggest, to some, that we shouldn't even care about it; as if it's "okay" for someone to harm you or others; after all, if you don't or can't hate them, then isn't it like saying that it's "okay" that they're acting that way?

No. That's the misunderstanding worth avoiding. When you hate someone, you pollute your inner space with that hatred; and it starts to invade you, in a spiritual sense, from the inside. Hating others is harmful to you; it drains you of your life energy and fills you with toxic sludge that offers you no energy, no momentum.

I'm not saying that, instantly, you must stop hating those that have harmed you, are harming others, or are simply walking, talking, breathing, monsters.

I'm saying that your hate is going to harm YOU more than it harms them; the hate will erode you, like rust -- and it will not, in fact, have any impact on the other. Why should it?

The absolute BEST way that you can handle your hatred of another is to turn it into a spiritual exercise. The other -- the object of your hatred -- is giving you an opportunity to be more aware; to watch your inner space. The other is a trigger; a catalyst. Now it's up to you: if you react, you simply hate -- and you waste the opportunity. But if you watch with alertness and grasp the spaciousness around your hate, then you begin to go beyond it -- and you leave, in your wake, the person who is worthy of your hate.

When you hate someone, use it as an opportunity to go beyond hate. Don't repress it, don't reject it, don't try and hide it away in the basement of your soul. Watch it with alertness; with conscious spaciousness. Turn it into your meditation.

Reality is the best meditation.

The Power of Positive Feeling

The idea of positive thinking has been around for a long time, and in "popular culture" for well over a few decades. And yet, however, many people find that positive thinking is not...well, it's not working.

It's not that people are incessantly negative. It's that positive thinking takes effort; it's kind of like keeping a constant eye on something or someone. As long as you're paying attention, it's fine. But forget for a moment -- slip into unawareness or unconsciousness -- and all can be lost.

This in itself -- losing consciousness or awareness -- is not a problem, really; it's that if you are a "positive thinker" and identify as such, you will certainly start to feel ashamed and guilty when you aren't thinking positively.

In other words, a chronically miserable person doesn't worry at all if they're being miserable; it's just how they are. But someone who is "committed" to positive thinking is surely going to feel weak, flawed, incapable, and very upset with him or herself if that positive thinking falls below a certain expectation.

Ironically, the "peak" of positive thinking can descend into the "valley" of self-condemnation; people can start berating themselves for not being positive enough. And that leads to more misery. It's a vicious cycle, and one that many, many positive thinking people fall into over and over. Their intentions are wonderful; but their method has some challenges.

The thing is, positive thinking is not possible. Thinking is language; without language, there is no thinking. And language is always dualistic by nature -- it has to be. "Happy" in itself has no intrinsic meaning, unless you also understand "sad." "Success" means nothing to someone unless that person also understands "failure." And because of this dualism, a positive thinking person is, on a very very very subtle level, also a negative thinking person; because you cannot simply "think positive" and nothing else. Language has two wings: the positive definition of something and its antonym; it's opposite.

So what is possible? Positive feeling.

Your heart is not dualistic; it doesn't need language to communicate. It simply is -- authentic, pure, trusting. When you move the energy from your head (thinking) to your heart (feeling), you give momentum to the intrinsic non-language of your heart, which is feeling.

At first, it will seem strange -- so take small steps. Bring more power to your heart, and start to grasp to integrity that comes from positive feeling; and by "positive" I don't mean GOOD, I mean real.

In the language of spirituality, what is REAL is good.

The MORE of Ego

It's difficult for many of us to grasp the essence of the ego, because, as I've mentioned in here several times, in the English language the meaning of the word ego has changed significantly over the last few decades. It's no longer a clinical psychological concept, but instead, a critical term used to describe someone who is arrogant, or boastful, or excessively proud -- someone who is an egotist.

However, the ego is by no means limited to those who show-off all the time. The language of the ego is more subtle than this, and can be captured by a single word that we all understand: more.

The ego is always driven by more. It can be more money, more power, more fame, more anything. It can be more virtue, more character, more idealism -- and on.

But that compels us to ask: why does the ego always crave MORE?

The reason for this is simple: the ego does not exist. It seems to exist -- it's like a well in the ground that seems to have a bottom. And so it makes promises, to you, that go a little something like this: if you get a little more [something], I'll relax and be happy.

And so many people -- most people, at least in the western world and increasingly the eastern world -- do all kinds of harmful, stressful, and very strange things with their LIMITED TIME on this planet, in order to satisfy this bargain; in order to give the ego that "little more" that it promises will be enough.

But...it's never enough. This is why wealthy people almost always seem very...well, they seem very tense, don't they? You'd think, really, that it would be the other way around, right? That these folks don't have to worry about money -- they could live comfortably for hundreds of years -- but they don't seem happy; not if you really look into their eyes, listen to their stories, and just watch how they behave.

Why not? Why aren't they happy? Because they have the same delusional ego as before -- the same ego that said "$10000 is enough" is now saying "$1 million" is enough, and then it will say "$10 million will be enough" -- there is no end to the enough, because the ego is always craving MORE. It exists through that craving -- and only through that craving.

Ego is like the heat that is generated from friction -- without the friction; without different surfaces rubbing up against each other generating heat, there is no heat.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do things in your life to increase things that matter to you. By all means, make more money. Get more health. Have better relationships. Get a better house, increase your knowledge, and do all of that. Life is an adventure! But if you do any of these things with the notion that it will make you complete -- which is the empty promise of the ego -- then you will simply suffer. Yes, you may suffer in a nicer house, with better health, and with better relationships -- but you will still suffer.

The ladder of the ego has no top rung -- there is never a top rung, because there is no ladder. The ego is a treadmill -- a wheel inside a hamster's cage. It seems to be going forward, but it goes nowhere. That is the delusion -- the illusion of it all. And that is why wonderful people waste their entire lives trying to "get more" -- when the realize, after a long life of doing this, that they are EXACTLY where they started -- but have wasted 40, 50, 60+ years -- the dismay and despair is incomprehensible. It is beyond pathetic to look into the face of an elderly person who comes to the dramatic realization that there is no end to the needs of the ego.

There is only one antidote known to the excessive needs of the ego, and that is meditation. Meditation is a mechanism -- and yes, it is a mechanism -- to increase your consciousness; your awareness. That is real.

The Razor's Edge

A metaphor that many mystics have used to describe the state of present moment awareness is "the razor's edge." And quite frankly, at first glance, this seems to be a rather...well, it's a kind of scary thing to envision, isn't it?

I mean, wouldn't a soft, fluffy cloud or gentle meadow in spring seem to be a more pleasant image? A razor's edge seems rather daunting; almost threatening in a way. It implies that if we fall from the slender tight-rope of the razor's edge, we'll slice ourselves apart!

I honestly don't think that the mystics intended to conjure up this scary aspect of the metaphor; I feel that they just wanted to pick something that was very, very thin -- and in "those days" a razor's edge was something most people could relate to.

So in light of this, we can focus on the thin-ness of a razor's edge, rather than the sliced consequences of falling off of one!

Reflecting on the thin-ness of a razor's edge helps us understand that, in life, we are called to awareness at all times. We are invited to walk upon the edge of awareness -- to arrive in the present moment -- at EVERY time. And that means right now.

Imagine, for example, that God -- or whoever you want to say 'created' the universe -- was sitting RIGHT next to you as you read this. Or, if you aren't comfortable with imagining God sitting next to you, think of someone who you have an immense amount of respect and admiration for -- perhaps a mystic or spiritual teacher, or anyone -- even someone historical. Imagine that they were sitting right beside you right now.

Obviously, if that were to happen -- something inside you would change. You would not be worrying about tomorrow or yesterday; you would not be focused on some other "moment" -- you would be totally present, because you were with someone that you, in the simplest terms, want to be present to. After all, they may leave in a few minutes -- so you give them your full attention and honor the moment with all of your heart.

That is every moment for the mystics on the razor's edge. To them, they are always in that state -- always present. They aren't waiting for some event to happen tomorrow, to which they'll "wake up to." They're present now, because now is all that there is.

Are you present now?

If not...why not?

Re-Live Your Life...

In his remarkable book, "Man's Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl advises readers to do a little technique that seems very small, but can have enormously positive impacts on your life.

He suggests that, when you approach a situation that may otherwise "cause" you to act in a habitually counter-productive, unaware or simply harmful way, that you simply tell yourself that this is actually not the first time you're encountering this situation (whatever it is), but the second time -- and this is your chance to not make the same mistake you did the first time.

What this little technique does -- with surprising simplicity and effectiveness -- is bring space into your life -- between you and the situations that you face. By pausing to view a situation "as if you were doing it for the second time, but this time, will not make the same mistake again," you bring awareness into what you're doing. You separate yourself from the mood, compulsion or emotion that is driving you towards an unconscious act. And by that separation -- that space that emerges between the REAL you (the one that acts) and UNREAL you (the one that REacts), you can very often --if not always -- choose the action that is in harmony with your true self: the one that is authentic and essentially joyous and inspired.

Try it and let me know how it works for you!

The REAL Secret

Here's a (non) news flash: I like "The Secret." In fact, I like it so much, that I encourage as many people as I can to see it. And -- as many of you know -- I even sell it from one of my other websites (http://www.the-secret-dvd.net/).

So, again: I like The Secret.

And more than mere liking, I'm very grateful to The Secret for helping bring ideas and concepts into the "mainstream" that otherwise were being ignored. Yes, it goes without saying that nothing in The Secret is actually new information. But what is new is that people who otherwise wouldn't come close to anything remotely "new age" or "metaphysical" are, indeed, talking and thinking and even experimenting about the ideas, lessons, concepts in The Secret. I consider all of this to be VERY GOOD NEWS and am glad that it's happening. Indeed, when polished, professional, successful and credible business people talk about "new age" -- more people listen. That's just how it is.

But while I like and am grateful to The Secret, I'm also of the opinion that there is actually a deeper secret behind The Secret that, quite possibly, many of the people very closely connected to The Secret don't know -- or, maybe, don't talk about as much as they should.

It's about acceptance.

The real energy behind The Secret is not, in my view, about visualizing a better reality -- one where you have a better job, or a nicer car, or whatever else you may have on a "dream board." The real mechanism of The Secret is to get you to somehow stop fighting with your present reality. And yes, one way for you to do that is to simply have you envision something better.

It's not, however, the most efficient way.

It's a bit like this:

You may have a child at home who -- like many other children -- hates to eat fruits and vegetables. And yet, you know that fruits and vegetables are essential to the child's health and well being. Furthermore, you'd really like to somehow help your child create a healthy habit of (sometimes) eating fruits and vegetables.

"Ideally" you'd simply like to talk to your child and help them understand. But that's not realistic, right? So you create a story of some kind -- something that helps the child eat their fruits and vegetables. They receive the benefit in terms of health, and eventually, you hope that they "figure it out" on their own so that when they make their own eating choices as they get older, they choose fruits and vegetables, sometimes, over other non-healthy snacks.

That "story" you told your child was helpful -- it was needed; there was no other way. It was simply unrealistic to expect your child to see things the way that they might 10, 20 or 30 years "from now" -- one where a doctor is saying: eat more fruits and vegetables to stay healthy!

Yet while the story was helpful -- it "did the job" -- it's simply not the most efficient way. The most efficient way is always a straight line (a lesson from math that applies here as well), and by taking things through a "story" there is some momentum that is lost; some effectiveness falls through. Instead of eating, say, 4-5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, a child "following a story" may each 4-5 servings a week. That's still better than NO servings a week, but it's not as great as 4-5 servings a day/28-35 servings a week.

So that difference between 28/35 servings and 4/5 servings is the "difference" that a story makes. It diminishes things. It slows things down. Yes, things are still headed in the right direction -- and that's great. But not as rapid as it could be.

When you "envision" something you remove yourself from the present moment; and that is simply an inefficient thing to do, because the present moment is all you have to work with. And so the very idea of envisioning is, in essence, an inefficient thing to do with your time. You are much, much, MUCH better off accepting reality as it is -- not as you want it to be, not as it "should be" and not as it "could be" if someone else would only do this, or if a certain situation would change.

But getting people to accept reality as it is, is not easy -- and in many cases, not practical. We are accustomed, culturally, to not accept reality -- that very "habit" is ingrained in us as children. We are always either dwelling on the past or projecting into the future. And so if The Secret or some other teaching tried to "get you to just accept the present," it likely wouldn't work for most people -- not because the teaching is wrong, but because the lesson is too difficult.

Look, for example, at the difference between pre-Oprah Eckhart Tolle and the Secret DVD. Before Oprah endorsed Eckhart's first book, The Power of Now, he wasn't selling anything. In fact, he was hand-placing copies of his book in little stores in Vancouver Canada. I believe, in fact, that he had 3000 copies created on a small press, and was unable to sell them (I could be wrong about the exact figure, but even if it's 5000 or 10000, the point is the same).

Compare this to The Secret, which sold millions and continues to do extremely well in all forms, including the amazing wealth of "secondary markets" that it has generated: speakers, workshops, books, you name it.

What Tolle was saying in "The Power of Now" was, actually, the most efficient method of achieving real change: accept the now. But, again, the message was too direct; too harsh for most people to accept.

So The Secret came by and helped people "accept the now" -- in a less efficient form -- by envisioning something better. By envisioning -- by the mere act of not resisting the now -- people started to RELAX. And by relaxing -- and NOT by anything else -- things started to open up. Fresh new possibilities emerged through that relaxation.

Of course...this has created a problem, too. It's that many people who experienced some real benefits thanks to The Secret -- because it indirectly enabled them to RELAX into the now -- don't know why they experienced those benefits. They think it's because of the envisioning; and hence, they start to become tense because what they envision "isn't happening" anymore. The irony of this shouldn't be lost on anyone: it was the "relaxing" that made the progress and positive change happen in the first place, but without awareness of this fact, tension sets in an serves to suffocate and stall that same progress and positive change from happening.

And so many people, I believe, are confused right now: they experienced pleasant growth and change "before" but now they don't see much happening at all. And so they think that they aren't "envisioning" well enough.

That's not it. It was never, actually about the envisioning in the first place.

It was about RELAXING so that you can ACCEPT THE PRESENT MOMENT.

That is the real secret behind The Secret -- to accept the now.

If you can do that, you don't "need" The Secret anymore; you become The Secret.

Who's Game are You Playing?

While I enjoy posting on all kinds of different "self-help" things, today's post is, if I may say so myself, of particular value and so I'd encourage you to read it, re-read it, re-read it again, and share and discuss it with others. By all means, introduce your own interpretations and insights -- that is wonderful. But I'd really like to see the "idea" of today's post make it through to some people because, again, I feel that it's one of the most valuable that have appeared here so far.

It's about game playing.

Now, let's start by saying that when I use the word "game," I don't mean silly or immature -- I mean in the "cosmic playfulness" kind of way; in the sense that, yes, in many ways, life is a game -- and this is fine. There's nothing wrong with this, and it doesn't by any means detract or belittle the authentic sadness and suffering that many of us have felt and will feel again. I'm not diminishing any of these true, very human emotions by saying that life is a game. I'm simply suggesting that, much as how a game can invoke a wide spectrum of emotions -- from elation to despair -- so can life.

Now, the next step here is to make what I don't actually like making if I can help it: a sports analogy. I respect that some people have no interest in sports, and in fact, some people just plain dislike them. And so by making a sports analogy, I may risk alienating or offending those people. If you happen to resist sports analogies for any reason, I ask you to please just give me a few seconds. This isn't about sports, but sports is, I'm guessing, the widest possible experience that most people reading this will be able to access. And as you'll see, I won't even go into the details of any sport -- so even if you believe you "know nothing" about sports, you will still clearly understand the point.

Okay...

We realize that sports is a game. But there are "games within the game," and that is the type of game that each individual or team plays. Indeed, individuals -- say, tennis players -- have certain strengths; certain preferred ways to play and succeed. So do teams -- say, basketball teams.

For example, a tennis player who is gifted with tremendous stamina and strength will try and play a "game" of tennis that plays to those gifts; hence, the "game" played by that tennis player will be an aggressive, high-tempo, powerful game. On the other hand, a tennis player who is more of a methodical, finesse player will try and do the opposite: a slow, well-planned game that tries to "force" the opponent into playing a certain style.

As you can see, both these tennis players are playing a game -- called tennis. But within that game of tennis, each individual has his or her unique game -- and that game plays to their strengths, and avoids their weaknesses.

And if you dislike tennis, you can think of a team sport -- basketball is a good example (and is a popular sport, so hopefully you don't hate it!). A basketball team may be built for speed and hence the "game" it opts to play is one that races up and down the court and pretty much out-runs the opponent. On the other hand, a basketball team may be built for size, and may simply try and out-muscle another team.

As you can see (hopefully), there are always games within games and the individuals or teams that win are, almost always, the ones that "compel" the other individual/team to play their non-preferred game. Indeed, it's not always the case that player "A" was so much better than player "B". Both players may be wonderful in their own way. It's that player "A" compelled player "B" to play player "A"'s game.

Are you still with me? Good!

Life, we can say, is a game. Just like tennis or basketball.

And, again, like tennis and basketball, there are games within games.

YOU have a "preferred game" in your game of life. And other people that you meet have their preferred game.

Many times -- and I mean many times -- you will face a situation where someone wants you to play their game, because, just like a tennis player or basketball team, that is their strength. They want to pull you out of your game and into theirs.

And, indeed, we can all recall vivid examples where we've done this -- we've stepped out of our game -- and we've suffered immensely as a result. And in reflection, days, weeks or years later, we can only quietly say to ourselves: I wasn't being myself. And another way of saying this is simply that you weren't playing your game; you were playing someone else's.

If you want to walk on the self-help path, then yes, it's a game -- just like any other game. And there are rules of this game (again, like any other game). For example, you can't manipulate people. You can't abuse people (I don't mean "legally abuse" them which you can't do anyway, but I mean the legal kind -- the kind that you can justify and get away with). You can't lie. And you can't inspire and invoke fear in people for the sake of manipulating or controlling them.

Again, there are rules to self-help -- just like any other game.

Throughout your life, as you play the self-help game, people will want to make you play their game -- a game of needless conflict, of domination, of manipulation, of fear-mongering, of hatred, and maybe even of violence.

Your performance in your game will be determined by your ability to play your game and not to play someone else's -- someone who is pulling you off the path that you're on.

It's a lifelong effort, and you will be tested. But remember: if you're going to play the game of life, you might as well do it well, right?