All You Want is Love

The Beatles reminded us that all we need is love. True enough.

However, they could have just as effectively sung about the fact that all we want is love, too. Because this is just as true and, for many of us, just as...difficult to believe.

We're accustomed to believing that only those who "admit" that they want love -- the poets among us, in one form or another -- are those searching for elusive love, while "the rest" want something else. Some people want power. Others want acceptance. Some want security. Others want inspiration. Some want lots of money. Some want peace.

Well, guess what? All of those wants are simply not what you want. And that basic misunderstanding is probably responsible for more human misery than anything else -- because no matter what we achieve, unless we know that what we really want is love, we'll miss out on the satisfaction that those achievements promise to bring.

In other words: we set ourselves up to be miserable.

And because we still don't recognize that the very trajectory that we're on is fundamentally at odds with the real goal that we seek, and instead of stopping and realizing this, and changing course, we go even MORE into what we "think" is going to get us the love that we aren't aware that we want.

So, in other words: the power-seeking bully (whether it's in the corporation, at home or in the schoolyard makes no difference; a bully is a bully) is not actually after power or "safety" or survival. He, or she, is in search of love; and believes -- incorrectly -- that power, safety and in essence being a bully is going to get that love.

Of course, nobody CAN love a bully, right? Bullies aren't lovable :)

But, instead of seeing the basic fallacy of this -- that the bully is making him or herself less lovable, he or she goes even DEEPER into their bully-hood; because, obviously, the problem is "other people" right? They just don't appreciate strength, power, security...

Or if the bullies out there aren't already smashing their computer screens, we can pick on the knowledge-addicts; those people who are more interested in the acronyms after their name on a business card, then they are about the very people for whom, really, those acronyms are supposed to be in the service of. On the deepest level, the man or woman (or boy or girl) chasing knowledge -- for the sake of knowledge -- is not actually interested in knowledge. Oh yes, that's what they'll TELL you they care about, and it's even what they tell themselves, but if you really go deeeeeeeep into it, you'll see that there is a belief, inside the knowledge-addict, that more knowledge = more love from people.

Of course, just like the bully, the knowledge-addict doesn't "see" the fact that more knowledge, and more knowledge, and MORE knowledge invariably alienates them from people. They start holding "stupid people" in contempt (you can hear it in their tone when they speak to people, it's really ugly). And so instead of getting more love, they get LESS -- because they make people feel stupid (it's hard to love someone who makes you feel stupid :) And, again, because the knowledge-addict can't see the very mechanism at work here, they go DEEPER into their knowledge. They take another course. Get another degree. Read another book. They go FURTHER away from the love that they want, and the people that they want to be loved by.

We can go on...and we will!

The fun-seeking hedonists are also not going to be exempt from our gaze here, either. They jump from party to party, always telling people to look for silver linings and "the bright side of life." They delude others -- just as they delude themselves -- that they are optimistic and inspiring -- because they think that this is what will get them loved. However, in pursuit of focusing ONLY on what they think is the positive, they tend to create a lot of residual suffering for others -- kind of like the people who come to your house, have a big party, and then leave you to clean up all the mess :) Naturally, people don't like those kinds of people, and so don't really give them a lot of love. The fun-seekers don't see the link (just as the bully and knowledge-addict don't), and so they simply intensify their fun-seeking, leaving an even bigger trail of negativity in their wake -- which leads to less love from others.

Isn't this fun?

Then there are the morally righteous among us, who think that they want to be RIGHT about everything, but really, deeply, they want to be loved; and they think that being RIGHT will get them that love. Of course, you cannot be right unless you make other people wrong, and guess what? Yes, you guessed it: it's no fun loving someone who is always telling you that you're wrong! And so folks who are obsessed about being RIGHT (morally and in all other ways) simply position themselves to be very un-lovable. Of course, they don't see it that way -- they think that they just aren't being RIGHT enough (just as the bully doesn't think that he/she is being strong enough, the knowledge-addict doesn't think that he/she is being smart enough, and the hedonist doesn't think that he/she is being fun enough). So they just try and be MORE right, which means you become MORE wrong. This leads to less love.

And then...

There are, of course, the selfless among us who go around filling everyone's cup with water, and denying their own. This selflessness, however, is not about being selfless -- it's really, deeply, an effort to be loved by others. However, many people don't want their cup filled -- nor do they want to be obligated to someone who has given them something that they actually don't need, or want. But the selfless giver doesn't see things that way -- they don't see that they actually create needy people by being needlessly "selfless" -- and so they just go ahead and try and give MORE. And people take LESS when that happens, because they detect that all of these cups of water have strings attached ("love me or don't get any water").

Then...

There's the success-addict. The self-promoter who is more of a brand than a person. These people are all over the Internet, really (they're everywhere, but they seem to really love the Internet :). They think that being successful and accomplishing things will "win them" the love that they want. Of course, they don't see it in those terms -- they think that all they want is to achieve. They don't. They want what everyone wants: to be loved. However, to "win" at things means two things: 1) you must ALWAYS compete and 2) someone ALWAYS has to lose. Successful people create failure for people who, otherwise, wouldn't need to deal with it. And how can you love someone who creates so much failure? In fact, you start resenting people who do this -- you start avoiding them. When success-addicted people start to see this -- start to see that, despite all of their success, how much money they make, what they've achieved and so on -- doesn't win them praise but actually brings them criticism and condemnation, they typically become VERY BITTER and figure that it's just a bunch of "jealous losers" who couldn't succeed anyway. This is not true -- people simply don't like people who tell you why you must love them and admire them. People don't love a brand -- which is what most success-addicted people invariably become. And instead of seeing this, success-addicted people simply go deeper into their success-seeking, not realizing that with each new superficial encounter they are getting even further away from the love that they wanted in the first place.

And then there are the poets -- the special ones -- who figure that the only way to be loved is to be as different and unique as possible. Of course, they don't see it that way -- they don't see that it's about love -- they see that it's about being as un-ordinary as possible. And so they do weird, often quite stupid things to "be different" -- even if it means pointing out how ordinary YOU are as compared to them. Naturally, people don't like people who are implicitly telling them how boring and ordinary they are. The poets don't see this, however, and so go deeper into their "differentness" -- and further and further away from people!

Then there are the reliable loyalists who become so addicted to rules and regulations that they stop seeing the human beings that are often crushed by them. They believe that by following the rules and being obedient to authority, that this will give them love. Of course, they don't see it in those terms -- they don't see that it's about love. Unfortunately, rules are only as moral and ethical as the people or values behind them. Street gangs have rules -- and so do enlightened mystics. Merely following rules and upholding regulations, without reference to the intent or impact of those rules, can and often DOES lead to cruelty and harm. And people don't love people who harm them!

And lastly, there are the peacemakers who tell everyone that they are, well, at peace . Of course, that peace isn't real -- because it's being paid for by numbness. The peacemakers simply stop dealing with reality, and numb themselves to the challenges and issues around them -- anything that might disturb their peace is ignored and neglected. Of course, again, this is really about love: the peacemakers think that if you don't "bother" about reality, people will love you. But is that true? No -- reality simply doesn't support this "conclusion." Reality presents challenges and there is constant change -- that is the nature of reality. Peacemakers simply refuse to admit and accept those challenges, and that change. And so instead of being "loved" for their non-attachment to reality, people simply treat them like doormats; they stop being seen as people. You can't love a doormat; you can't love someone you don't respect, and peacemakers position themselves to be disrespected.

This may be a bit harsh, but life is short: you are almost certainly somewhere on this list above. You're likely doing something that you think is about anything BUT love, but really, it is about love because love is the very nature of your being, whether you "like it or not." It's not a choice. It's built into the very fabric of your being. You can't decide to not to be loving. You don't have a choice.

So why not simply accept it?

And then, once you do, you may find yourself saving a massive amount of time and energy -- because you'll know that what you really want is love. Always have, always will.

(Final note, the above overview of different 'types' is based on the teachings of the Enneagram.)